True Confessions
I want to comment on Sandra Tsing Loh’s most recent article in the December 2009 edition of The Atlantic magazine, entitled “On Being a Bad Mother – True Confessions” (a follow-up to Ms. Loh’s article on the agony of her divorce in the July/August 2009 issue of The Atlantic, entitled “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” which caused a near nationwide stir). In the latter, Ms. Loh relates from experience with her 20 year long marriage, that she believes she has failed as a wife and mother. But her reason for saying so is as follows:
“in this cluttered forest of my 40s, what I cannot authentically reconjure is the ancient dream of brides, even with the Oprah fluffery of weekly “date nights,” when gauzy candlelight obscures the messy house, child talk is nixed and silky lingerie donned, so the two of you can look into each other’s eyes and feel that “spark” again. Do you see? Given my staggering working mother’s to-do list, I cannot take on yet another arduous home- and self-improvement project, that of rekindling our romance. Sobered by this failure as a mother—which is to say, my failure as a wife—I’ve since begun a journey of reading, thinking, and listening to what’s going on in other 21st-century American families. And along the way, I’ve begun to wonder, what with all the abject and swallowed misery: Why do we still insist on marriage?”
Ms. Loh tells her story with sadness and regret. It seems what she is saying is that if she weren’t so exhausted and overworked, as many of her literary & speaking counterparts were as she came to this conclusion, that she might still want to be married. She is not a failure; she is exhausted. But this, too, shall pass. If she were offered a different viewpoint, would she have chosen marriage instead of divorce? As I wrote in a previous post, I don’t believe anyone goes into marriage hoping for it to end. Such a thought would be lunacy. The question up for consideration is what makes or breaks a marriage? Is the decision to ‘call the whole thing off’ in part based on whether or not a woman is a “good mom” or a “good wife”?
In the article, Ms. Loh relates a confessional dinner meeting with two friends, both of whom state their disappointment with marriage also. One of the main reasons they cite is summed up in this statement: ”To work, to parent, to housekeep, to be the ones who schedule “date night,” only to be reprimanded in the home by male kitchen bitches, and then, in the bedroom, to be ignored—it’s a bum deal. And then our women’s magazines exhort us to rekindle the romance. You rarely see men’s magazines exhorting men (to enkindle the romance).”
So, too much of women doing everything, and men doing nothing. Hasn’t this been what feminism has sought to change for years? This inequality? Has making men and women more equal in the home not been entirely successful? What makes it work and what doesn’t?
If I were a participant at the aforementioned dinner meeting, I agree hearing this would really stink. Especially since the woman married to the “kitchen bitch” seemed, from the outside, to be in an ideal situation: The husband was reliably there to take the kitchen work off his wife’s hands. He was an active father participating heavily in the children’s lives. The problem was that he perceived her as “sloppy and inattentive”. She made mistakes that he never would have – missing the window for booking a flight on Expedia and forgetting to deglaze the saucepan of all things. She could see herself as nothing more than “a failed mother, depressed and chronically overworked at her $120,000-a-year job (which she must cling to for the benefits because husband freelances). At night, horny and sleepless, she paces the exquisite kitchen (her husband has created), gobbling mini Dove bars.”
These spouses are irritated, even angry, for each other’s personality quirks. They are also uptight and fragile, for what else do you get when overworked and stressed? And they have not shared true intimacy in years. How unfulfilling and sad.
Important to note is that even in the best of marriage, there are areas of difficulty. There are things to work out, and to keep working out for some 20 years or more. Although I realize it can be miserable, I realize that there may be no benefit to the spouse who “keeps trying”, I realize it must seem senseless and like there must be someone else out there, I believe that Ms. Loh and others have it within them to stand the test of time – until life is less demanding of them. Until the necessities of the children have moved to the background. Until everything they’re working so hard for is paid off and done. It takes that amount of time. I have seen marriages get much better after these things are through. But one who does not stay with it will never know the other side. Spouses need to hold hands through the chaos and practice 365 intimacy, like it or not. It is a choice.
Am I actually encouraging bored-to-tears, frustrated married couples to stay married? Yes. Because there really is no guarantee that the grass is greener on the other side.
(*Just an end note, which I hope is obvious…an abusive situation is serious, and I would first stress safety of all family members.)
