Heaven Help Me!

What’s this I wake up to? I may have woke up more overwhelmed than usual with the new baby kicking inside me reminding me that he’ll be arriving soon; I am not sure. But, within minutes my mind was racing with an unending list of things to do. Which resulted in tears. Not a fun way to wake up.  All this resulted in me turning to my husband and asking for my “emergency remedy”:  dark chocolate and a large glass of milk. After a little conversation with him, I realized something: I am lacking true joy. With all that I have, I can’t believe I feel sad. It is predictable that at the end of all my pregnancies, I tend to get down. I struggled through the morning, got my kids to their catechism classes at church on time, made it to a beautiful Mass, and smiled at friends. My spirits lifted after Mass when I had completed the most important tasks of the day.

Although I can now look back on the day with joy, there is a thought pervading my mind. Why has God blessed a woman like me with depressive tendencies with many children and all that I have? Why can’t some of those women who are immaculate housekeepers and gourmet cooks, chirpy and chipper in every way, albeit infertile, get the chance to do as I am doing? The answer came to me as we prayed the rosary on the way to church, “I am not the mother I want to be, but I am the mother God wants me to be”.

The remedy for this certain darkness? As St. John of the Cross says, “What is needed is hope”.

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I check my email after writing this to find a link sent by a dear friend entitled “A Mother’s Liturgy of the Hours” written by Danielle Bean. Hmmm…my life perfectly explained. Exactly what I HOPED to hear!

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Posted February 7th, 2010 under Children, Makes you think, Marriage, Parenting, Thoughts. RSS 2.0 feed. Leave a response, or trackback.