Hope after miscarriage
As I sit here cradling my less than 72 hour newborn son, I am reminded of the previous births of my children – (and the one birth that I hoped would happen, but didn’t). Thomas is as perfect as it gets – he’s blessed with good health, a nice ruddy glowing Sicilian skin tone like his siblings, a peaceful disposition (he fusses, but he hasn’t cried loudly yet!), great baby noises and all the rest.
I couldn’t imagine myself in this position almost exactly one year ago. One of the most dismal days of my life was when my obstetrician told me my baby had died spontaneously in my womb sometime in the past week before seeing her. So many plaguing questions filled my mind: What did I do wrong? Had I done too much (fill in the blank), etc., etc. If I had gotten there a day earlier, would she have been able to save him? As she broke the news to me that his heartbeat had stopped, I soaked the hospital gown and ultrasound table with my tears. I went through weeks, no months, of thinking I would never have the privilege of conceiving again. Seeing a happy pregnant woman was a harsh sting.
After I checked in at the hospital’s registration, someone took me up to labor & delivery. This person assumed I must be excited about being in labor that day, to which I responded, “Actually, I’m just plain relieved”.
Relieved that I could finally get my hopes up that this was happening! That my baby was past the point of viability! That now all we had to do was get him out safely and we’d be home free!
There is a reason and a time for everything. I am grateful to have had the privilege to bear another child. Perhaps I would not be as much so if I hadn’t experienced the fragility of life before. It is not easy to conceive a child, carry a pregnancy all nine months to term, and give birth to a healthy baby, as a simple Google search with the search terms “infertility crisis’” illustrates. We speak as if it is so easy to do so, but the truth is it just isn’t.
If you are one of those who it isn’t easy for, my thoughts & ardent prayers are with you. May all that is good be yours in His Majesty’s good time.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Hello, I found your blog through Sarah @ Fumbling Toward Grace. I had a miscarriage last September so this post really touched me. I’m currently 17 weeks pregnant, so I am seeing the blessings God has given me through this current pregnancy and the gift He gave me through my first pregnancy and little saint in heaven! God bless!
April 15th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
I’m so happy that you were able to get pregnant again and bring Thomas into the world. It’s so funny (read: sad for me, ha) that we miscarried around the same time and I have thus far been unable to conceive again. The day I found out I miscarried was also, one of the most dismal of my life.
Though I haven’t been blessed with another pregnancy, I am so happy that you have been. You are a wonderful mother. So I have to ask, since it seems like you have His ear more than I do, for your prayers that He’ll give us another little one to love.
God Bless!
April 23rd, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Dear Sarah, Thank you so much for your kind words on the birth of Thomas. I am humbled to read your message and grateful at the same time. I never thought I would conceive again. Somehow having a miscarriage made me feel like it was “all over”. Even though everyone told me it wasn’t. I understand.
I know a couple that experienced infertility for a good ten years or more. They went through a whole gamut of Church-approved fertility treatments, Clomid (which made her completely sick) etc. They stopped all treatments and began seriously considering adoption. Then they were unexpectedly blessed with years of fertility which continue to today. They now have three kids. It’s puzzling to them why they couldn’t conceive earlier – when they were younger and had more energy/ability. They are mid-40′s now. Also, every pregnancy puts her in a very delicate medical condition: preclampsia & extremely high blood pressure with serious health risks & premature labor from week 24 on.
I see the longing in your heart for a child. I do pray especially for you – that God will grant you your heart’s desire. And I hope it is “soon” for you.