Sorry to be so self-focused today, but this blog entry is “all about me”. Some who know me well know about my “dark side” (ha-ha-ha – evil laugh cackling in the background…). From the outside, it may appear that I am a good, Catholic girl from a good Catholic family who tries hard to do no wrong. That is true – it is one side of me. But those who know me better – like my husband – know the truth, and those who live with me 24/7 can attest to the other side.
There are times in family life when you are surrounded by those who love you, but you feel lonelier than ever. There are many hats to wear as a mother – and sometimes your husband and kids play tug-of-war over you. You get upset because your own offspring say the meanest things to each other. There are times when your kids make you feel like a ball bounced around like a game of four-square. There are times of elation, like the birth of a new baby, and other high moments of growth & excitement in your children’s lives, but truth be told, most of the time, I wonder if I’m really doing a good job & why I got into this situation in the first place.
Doubt is part of the human condition, and often the experience of it eventually leads to confirmation of the doubted ideas and a new determination *where your steps “stir up no dust” *.
Instead of posting a bunch of blog entries about how perfect my life has been the past few months, I decided to take a break. Now, I reveal the reason.
I recently realized I am plagued by post-partum depression. Studies show it peaks between 6-8 months postpartum. I am not crying constantly or contemplating jumping off a bridge. I am dealing with insomnia, indecisiveness (not such a good thing when you have six kids to direct!), feeling overwhelmed, and a general feeling of sadness. I am upset because my body is showing signs of wear due to giving birth to six kids. I am no longer twenty-five and able to bounce right back into shape. This time around, I’m forced to focus on priorities.
It always strikes me as so weird when this happens to me, since in reality, and logically, I know I have the most important things in life, but in practice it doesn’t feel that way. And when one’s ability to feel something isn’t in sync, it is harder to really believe it, and act accordingly.
Truth be told, I have struggled with depression/anxiety since I was in my teens. Over the years I’ve decided that I am not about to let it compromise me or rob me of the life I always wanted. It is my enemy and I am on the offense against it. I refuse to throw away my dreams of having a house full of children, staying home with my kids, and a strong marriage and partnership with my best friend. My fulfillment lies in living out this described life with strength, as this here picture shows:
This is a picture of Joseph, Mary and Jesus on the Flight to Eygpt. Notice Joseph and Jesus resting while Mary remains steadfast. It is an image from the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, D.C. (I meditated on this image while giving birth to my two oldest children.)
To any woman who struggles with depression – I’m right there with you.
The good news is, you don’t have to let it zap your energy or your life. All of us have our trials ( or “crosses” as they are sometimes called). This is one that reminds us how immortal we are.
Society does little to support a mother’s vocation. You won’t find help there. You have to decide to live it and “just do it”, keeping in mind the wisdom of those gone before you.*
It takes a certain humility to admit that one cannot have it all. There are always going to be crosses, or “holes”.
One day, it dawned on me that this was something to accept, rather than to run from. St. Augustine says, “Our hearts are restless, O God, until they rest in you”, and so it was with me. All the years the holes I experienced were not supposed to be “fixed”, they were to be accepted. It was supposed to be lived through. Going through it gives a better understanding of existence.
So it is true with my current situation. For the times of doubt remember, as my grandmother used to say, “It will be quick, fast, and easy.” You will eventually walk through to the other side.
Thank you, St. Clare for the following quotation:
QUOTATIONS OF ST. CLARE OF ASSISI
“What you hold, may you always hold,
What you do, may you always do and never abandon.
But with swift pace, light step,
unswerving feet,
so that even your steps stir up no dust,
may you go forward
securely, joyfully, and swiftly,
on the path of prudent happiness,
not believing anything
that would dissuade you from this resolution
or that would place a stumbling block for you on the way,
so that you may offer your vows to the Most High
in the pursuit of that perfection
to which the Spirit of the Lord has called you.”
– Second Letter to Agnes (11-14)
