Heaven Help Me!

“The Catholic faith is not reducible to a moral theory, or social activism, or an even an intellectual system; it is a life of complete cooperation with a person — Jesus Christ. It is this life with Christ that defines the Christian and involves his or her entire life. This proposal is for a place of prayer, evangelization, Christian formation and service for the Diocese. This would be a center for forming persons committed to advancing respect for both human life and human dignity by prayer, word and deed and for giving witness to the Gospel.”

Such were the words that got the ball rolling.

My husband had been unhappy with his job in Chicago for several years. But like any good responsible husband, he was not about to quit because he found his job unpleasant. Who says providing for one’s family should be without its hardships? Speaking to some colleagues, he was directed to speak to a certain bishop who might possibly be interested in his ideas. What came out of this was beyond our wildest dreams.

God never gives you more than you can handle; and it is true that when things get to be too much, He provides a way out.

Two months ago, on the weekend of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Nick drove down to Missouri to meet the bishop and to talk about evangelization. The kids and I had renewed our efforts to attend daily mass and pray for our personal vocation. The main prayer of my heart was that God would give Nick a way out of his former job situation, as well as a way to use his talents that seemed underused in that position. I remembered how happy he was on the farm and wished for a return to that life.

Every time the kids and I were successful going to daily mass (meaning against all odds of last minute diaper blow-outs, squabbles and meltdown amongst the younger children, and insistent toddlers insisting they did not need to hold my hand on the way to church, only to fall down and end up with a skinned knee which would further sabotage our chances of getting to mass that day), the mass readings centered around detachment to the things of this world and being open to a new kind of life.

The morning after I argued with Nick about how safe our community was, we found gang graffiti, for the first time, on our neighbors’ garages in the alley. Later that week, I spoke of how I did not want to move away from Chicago, my parents, and my “home”. The next day, I heard this reading at mass: ”Whoever is not willing to leave mother, father, sister or brother for the sake of my kingdom is not worthy to follow me”

And later that week, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few.”

As for the pull on my conscience to do more to help the less fortunate, the Gospel for that day was, “And Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it will be for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God!” And the disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said to them again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

Just a few months ago, I was firmly attached to my current life. After hearing these readings, I felt I could go anywhere.

February was a time of waiting to hear back about various job options. One of them was in West Virginia, another was downstate Illinois, and last but not least, the final one was near Springfield, Missouri. At times, it seemed nothing would come through for Nick, and we resigned ourselves to staying in Chicago, with him continuing to work downtown, but we both quietly hoped there would be a change for us in the future.

One day, as I was homeschooling the children, I suddenly felt the need to stop and pray. I took a fifteen minute break while the girls were working on their schoolwork, and called the Poor Clares of Rockford, and the Missionaries of Charity of Chicago with my prayer intention: “Would one of the sisters please take upon herself the prayer intention of giving Nick some clarity on the job situation.” I hung up the phone, knowing that something was going to happen. Five hours later, Bishop Johnston called Nick and offered him a position!

So fast forward to today, everything has worked out. In our Christmas 2010 letter, we asked our friends and family to pray for us, as we felt we were being led back to the farm, or at least to a life where it is easier to be good. The property that we get to live on has worked out (it is a 100+ acre farm called Trinity Hills). It is a beautiful, peaceful, serene place. I am in awe of what has happened to us, and I am humbled by this great responsibility to further the New Evangelization. All is packed and we are living out of boxes, eagerly waiting for the date when we get to go “back to the farm”.

Sorry to be so self-focused today, but this blog entry is “all about me”. Some who know me well know about my “dark side” (ha-ha-ha – evil laugh cackling in the background…). From the outside, it may appear that I am a good, Catholic girl from a good Catholic family who tries hard to do no wrong. That is true – it is one side of me. But those who know me better – like my husband – know the truth, and those who live with me 24/7 can attest to the other side.

There are times in family life when you are surrounded by those who love you, but you feel lonelier than ever. There are many hats to wear as a mother – and sometimes your husband and kids play tug-of-war over you. You get upset because your own offspring say the meanest things to each other. There are times when your kids make you feel like a ball bounced around like a game of four-square. There are times of elation, like the birth of a new baby, and other high moments of growth & excitement in your children’s lives, but truth be told, most of the time, I wonder if I’m really doing a good job & why I got into this situation in the first place.

Doubt is part of the human condition, and often the experience of it eventually leads to confirmation of the doubted ideas and a new determination *where your steps “stir up no dust” *.

Instead of posting a bunch of blog entries about how perfect my life has been the past few months, I decided to take a break. Now, I reveal the reason.

I recently realized I am plagued by post-partum depression. Studies show it peaks between 6-8 months postpartum. I am not crying constantly or contemplating jumping off a bridge. I am dealing with insomnia, indecisiveness (not such a good thing when you have six kids to direct!), feeling overwhelmed, and a general feeling of sadness. I am upset because my body is showing signs of wear due to giving birth to six kids. I am no longer twenty-five and able to bounce right back into shape. This time around, I’m forced to focus on priorities.

It always strikes me as so weird when this happens to me, since in reality, and logically, I know I have the most important things in life, but in practice it doesn’t feel that way. And when one’s ability to feel something isn’t in sync, it is harder to really believe it, and act accordingly.

Truth be told, I have struggled with depression/anxiety since I was in my teens. Over the years I’ve decided that I am not about to let it compromise me or rob me of the life I always wanted. It is my enemy and I am on the offense against it. I refuse to throw away my dreams of  having a house full of children, staying home with my kids, and a strong marriage and partnership with my best friend. My fulfillment lies in living out this described life with strength, as this here picture shows:

This is a picture of Joseph, Mary and Jesus on the Flight to Eygpt. Notice Joseph and Jesus resting while Mary remains steadfast. It is an image from the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, D.C. (I meditated on this image while giving birth to my two oldest children.)

To any woman who struggles with depression – I’m right there with you.

The good news is, you don’t have to let it zap your energy or your life. All of us have our trials ( or “crosses” as they are sometimes called). This is one that reminds us how immortal we are.

Society does little to support a mother’s vocation. You won’t find help there. You have to decide to live it and “just do it”, keeping in mind the wisdom of those gone before you.*

It takes a certain humility to admit that one cannot have it all. There are always going to be crosses, or “holes”.

One day, it dawned on me that this was something to accept, rather than to run from. St. Augustine says, “Our hearts are restless, O God, until they rest in you”, and so it was with me. All the years the holes I experienced were not supposed to be “fixed”, they were to be accepted. It was supposed to be lived through. Going through it gives a better understanding of existence.

So it is true with my current situation. For the times of doubt remember, as my grandmother used to say, “It will be quick, fast, and easy.” You will eventually walk through to the other side.

Thank you, St. Clare for the following quotation:

QUOTATIONS OF ST. CLARE OF ASSISI

“What you hold, may you always hold,
What you do, may you always do and never abandon.
But with swift pace, light step,
unswerving feet,
so that even your steps stir up no dust,
may you go forward
securely, joyfully, and swiftly,
on the path of prudent happiness,
not believing anything
that would dissuade you from this resolution
or that would place a stumbling block for you on the way,
so that you may offer your vows to the Most High
in the pursuit of that perfection
to which the Spirit of the Lord has called you.”

– Second Letter to Agnes (11-14)